Thursday, March 29, 2012

Drunken rambling.

No MiM tonight. Sorry - you get random shit that came out when I sat down after a night out.


No, there's no story part today folks, and I'm sorry - but it's 10 past 11 and... wll lets just say that tonights entry is powered by a bottle of red wine and two bottles of crabbies - that may also explain typos and even worse grammar than usual. Part of the drunkeness was achieved in the company of an awesome friend from work. Who - despite her repeated and vehement protestations is another person I find myself being very thankful I know, as she is one of those beautiful people. The other part of the drunkeness was my part in the farewell drinks for a guy who has been an absolutely top bloke this last 2 years in my job. He was one of the folks that took me in as a buddy and taught me all he knew as it were. He leaves our team today for pastures new in that thar Lundun and I honestly wish him all the best.
But... what's the point of my entry today - well... I guess it's a status update on health and such and where I am.
This week I haven't been well. I've had some kindof acute breathing problem which docs have prescribed me steroids and an inhaler for. And they've helped. Quite a bit. And it finally had me swigning up for a doctor which has been two fucking years in teh building as that's how long roughly I've lived in Cheltenham. I moved down in 2010 to move in with my - then girlfriend - and start a brand new job. Living on my own, doing scary thing like having bills in my bname and making payments on a flat and paying rent. But... I loved it. It wasn't always easy and the fact that we neitehr of us were the tidiest of folk didn't help, but it was our place. And in time we got a cat, a fuzzy little thing by name of Nym. And from there as her job progressed we moved into another flat - which was bigger but seemingly didn't have as much room.
And then it all went wrong and we broke up. Whichever way blame is cast, we eventually made each other miserable and we went our seperate ways, and our beloved little ball of fuzz went to someone else and... now I'm here. On my own.

Well - I say on my own - my one beacon of light in this place - the one person that keeps me sane is the guy that told me that this place existed, that let me know that this 15'x22' room was available for rent. And as this last year has gone on - I've probably made more friends than I did in the year or more that I was here while I was with my ex-girlfriend.

But I'm still lonely.

I have some great friends down here now, but none of them know me. None of them have shared the past with me, none of them have been there while I wept and made myself stupid and depressed over past loves, past events and past transgressions... those people are miles away - Bristol, London, Leceister... and I as I still can't drive they might as well be an entire country away as things get ever more expensive and the ability to see those dimishes more and more by the day.
As much as I enjoy the company of the people in Cheltenham, I'm lonely. Lonely for people that know me. But even now I feel like that three people I love the most in the world - I'm getting further and further away from. It's almost like I keep regressing back into myself, becoming this insular person who just can't tell people what's wrong. Ever. I've always had problems with it, always had problems letting people know what's wrong and it's one of the things that drove me and my ex girlfriend apart.
I'm bad at opening myself up, bad at showing vulnerability and weakness. Always have been - always will be. Preferring to just withdraw into myself and keep wjhatever it is bottled up inside of me.

I'm lonely. I miss the feeling of curling up in a bed with someoen by my side, more than I ever thought possible. I miss having someone there to just... show affection to, to kiss, to hug, to tell them that I love them, with all my heart. I miss having someone. More than I ever realised I possibly could.
I realised properly today that aside from the crushes I have there are two people I like. and I mean LIKE. My heart skips a beat when I see their name, it races, just that extra bit when they pop up and talk to me.... Butterflies swarm around my stomach whenever they're near and my entire self curses itself for being who I am and what I look like for not being someone that that would want. One is a girl from work... and she is brilliant. She is smart, and funny, and witty, and sarcastic, and erudite
and absolutely, positively GORGEOUS. We get on like the proverbial house aflame but I know there is no chance. I know I'm not what she's looking for despite how well we gel and I know, I JUST know it's because of how I look. Because of the fact that I'm a big guy who is six or more stone over the weight I should be.
The other is a girl from LARP - which is all kinds of bad idea - because I've been there, I've been with the girls from LARP before and it can be odd and complicated, but I can't help myself. She again is smart, funny, absolutely stunning and constantly challenges me mentally. Which is good, which is what I need... I need the constant taxing - my brain is a bit of flab at the moment, just a largely useless lump of muscle that doesn't feel like it's doing a great deal. This is wonderful for me - this 750 words - as it gives me something to think on, gives me something to plot and plan and think about during the day. I'm constantly thinking about what the next days update would be, where to go next, especially with writing Misery in Middale - keeping my brain active. and her constant challenging the way I think whether she realises it or not... It what I need. It's wonderful for me. Phones4u - forever fuck its name - made me lazy, turned my brain to slush and made me some brain dead zombie. I was miserable there - it was hellish to work there - so working in a place now, forever taxing and making me think and encouraging me to be innovative is great. Or it would be, if my brain wasn't stuck in lazy "coasting" mode... It's still trying to free cycle and use the momentum I had when I was young to propel me along and that just isn't cutting it any more.

I'm not sure if there was a point to todays entry - other than - I'm lonely. I thrive off human attention, I thrive off of human affection. Hugs and cuddles and even the occasional kiss on the cheek and kind word - I need those to survive... I need those not to fall off the edge of a pit of depression that I've been wandering around for far too many years now. But they're coming less and less recently. It's more "can you do me a favour" and less "How are you? Really?" But then again, it always has been. I'm normally always the one to ask how someone is - so much so that recently I've been getting surprised when someone asks me how I am and are genuinely interested in a reply beyond "yea, not bad cheers."

I don't know what else to , so I guess that this is this entry called there... but... meh, the half drunk, splurge of writing might have helped my fragile psyche, just a little bit.

Cheers for reading.


Leah M K said...

*cuddle* I know what you mean about being lonely and wanting someone to cuddle up to at night, hun.

And I wish I could get to see you more often. I haz car! Can drive! Want to come see you. Just tell me when, okay?

Love you loads,

Penny Jackson said...

What's wrong with LARP girls?

I actually did live in a different country to all my friends for a while. It really sucked. At least when they're on the same landmass you can reasonably travel to them at weekends, this is much harder when they're not.

Elly said...

Yeah, I know what that's like.

Sadly, I never did get to meet you and I wish I did. But I hope things go right for you soon, Jace. You deserve that much.