Drunken rambling.

No MiM tonight. Sorry - you get random shit that came out when I sat down after a night out.

====

No, there's no story part today folks, and I'm sorry - but it's 10 past 11 and... wll lets just say that tonights entry is powered by a bottle of red wine and two bottles of crabbies - that may also explain typos and even worse grammar than usual. Part of the drunkeness was achieved in the company of an awesome friend from work. Who - despite her repeated and vehement protestations is another person I find myself being very thankful I know, as she is one of those beautiful people. The other part of the drunkeness was my part in the farewell drinks for a guy who has been an absolutely top bloke this last 2 years in my job. He was one of the folks that took me in as a buddy and taught me all he knew as it were. He leaves our team today for pastures new in that thar Lundun and I honestly wish him all the best.
But... what's the point of my entry today - well... I guess it's a status update on health and such and where I am.
This week I haven't been well. I've had some kindof acute breathing problem which docs have prescribed me steroids and an inhaler for. And they've helped. Quite a bit. And it finally had me swigning up for a doctor which has been two fucking years in teh building as that's how long roughly I've lived in Cheltenham. I moved down in 2010 to move in with my - then girlfriend - and start a brand new job. Living on my own, doing scary thing like having bills in my bname and making payments on a flat and paying rent. But... I loved it. It wasn't always easy and the fact that we neitehr of us were the tidiest of folk didn't help, but it was our place. And in time we got a cat, a fuzzy little thing by name of Nym. And from there as her job progressed we moved into another flat - which was bigger but seemingly didn't have as much room.
And then it all went wrong and we broke up. Whichever way blame is cast, we eventually made each other miserable and we went our seperate ways, and our beloved little ball of fuzz went to someone else and... now I'm here. On my own.

Well - I say on my own - my one beacon of light in this place - the one person that keeps me sane is the guy that told me that this place existed, that let me know that this 15'x22' room was available for rent. And as this last year has gone on - I've probably made more friends than I did in the year or more that I was here while I was with my ex-girlfriend.

But I'm still lonely.

I have some great friends down here now, but none of them know me. None of them have shared the past with me, none of them have been there while I wept and made myself stupid and depressed over past loves, past events and past transgressions... those people are miles away - Bristol, London, Leceister... and I as I still can't drive they might as well be an entire country away as things get ever more expensive and the ability to see those dimishes more and more by the day.
As much as I enjoy the company of the people in Cheltenham, I'm lonely. Lonely for people that know me. But even now I feel like that three people I love the most in the world - I'm getting further and further away from. It's almost like I keep regressing back into myself, becoming this insular person who just can't tell people what's wrong. Ever. I've always had problems with it, always had problems letting people know what's wrong and it's one of the things that drove me and my ex girlfriend apart.
I'm bad at opening myself up, bad at showing vulnerability and weakness. Always have been - always will be. Preferring to just withdraw into myself and keep wjhatever it is bottled up inside of me.

I'm lonely. I miss the feeling of curling up in a bed with someoen by my side, more than I ever thought possible. I miss having someone there to just... show affection to, to kiss, to hug, to tell them that I love them, with all my heart. I miss having someone. More than I ever realised I possibly could.
I realised properly today that aside from the crushes I have there are two people I like. and I mean LIKE. My heart skips a beat when I see their name, it races, just that extra bit when they pop up and talk to me.... Butterflies swarm around my stomach whenever they're near and my entire self curses itself for being who I am and what I look like for not being someone that that would want. One is a girl from work... and she is brilliant. She is smart, and funny, and witty, and sarcastic, and erudite
and absolutely, positively GORGEOUS. We get on like the proverbial house aflame but I know there is no chance. I know I'm not what she's looking for despite how well we gel and I know, I JUST know it's because of how I look. Because of the fact that I'm a big guy who is six or more stone over the weight I should be.
The other is a girl from LARP - which is all kinds of bad idea - because I've been there, I've been with the girls from LARP before and it can be odd and complicated, but I can't help myself. She again is smart, funny, absolutely stunning and constantly challenges me mentally. Which is good, which is what I need... I need the constant taxing - my brain is a bit of flab at the moment, just a largely useless lump of muscle that doesn't feel like it's doing a great deal. This is wonderful for me - this 750 words - as it gives me something to think on, gives me something to plot and plan and think about during the day. I'm constantly thinking about what the next days update would be, where to go next, especially with writing Misery in Middale - keeping my brain active. and her constant challenging the way I think whether she realises it or not... It what I need. It's wonderful for me. Phones4u - forever fuck its name - made me lazy, turned my brain to slush and made me some brain dead zombie. I was miserable there - it was hellish to work there - so working in a place now, forever taxing and making me think and encouraging me to be innovative is great. Or it would be, if my brain wasn't stuck in lazy "coasting" mode... It's still trying to free cycle and use the momentum I had when I was young to propel me along and that just isn't cutting it any more.

I'm not sure if there was a point to todays entry - other than - I'm lonely. I thrive off human attention, I thrive off of human affection. Hugs and cuddles and even the occasional kiss on the cheek and kind word - I need those to survive... I need those not to fall off the edge of a pit of depression that I've been wandering around for far too many years now. But they're coming less and less recently. It's more "can you do me a favour" and less "How are you? Really?" But then again, it always has been. I'm normally always the one to ask how someone is - so much so that recently I've been getting surprised when someone asks me how I am and are genuinely interested in a reply beyond "yea, not bad cheers."

I don't know what else to , so I guess that this is this entry called there... but... meh, the half drunk, splurge of writing might have helped my fragile psyche, just a little bit.

Cheers for reading.

Blue and yellow...

Day five sees me struggling a bit - though supposedly if you do something for ten days in a row it becomes habit - so five days more after today and I should be good to go with it. I'm amazed I got this far to be honest...

Yesterday I mentioned those chance encounters and conversations - those that can lead to dizzying highes and that incredible feeling you get when you get to know someone - properly, anew. The 4am chats, finding out all there is to know about them, lost in this little world of the two of you. I've had possibly one feeling kind of like that recently, but it's been a couple of years since I've properly had that feeling. And I miss it to be honest.

It's been a good few years since I've actually got to talking to someone propelry - struck up a conversation with a stranger - I'm looking for an excuse to do it with a couple of people from work that I keep noticing around, but never have the courage to just take that plunge and do it. It comes back to issues with self confidence and such I suppose but still.
I envy the extroverts - those souls that can seemingly drop into conversation with everyone and anyone - without fear or reprisal or rebuttal - and instantly be a part of the circle, be a part of the flow and ebb of a group dynamic. I've always struggled with that, am always on the outskirts, lurking in the background waiting for moments to pop in and say something meaningful, point the conversation in a new direction or add something profound to the subject or... more often than not lately - include some kind of innuendo. Okay - I'm hardly perfect. Meaningful and profound don't tend to cross my mind very often - or if they do they're few and far between.
But... in a way I'm okay with it, I'm okay with being the 'wallflower', as it were. Ish.

I have all kinds of romantic notions about being noticed in one of these conversations, noticed and have the whirlwind relationship develop. Despite how fairytale, or storybook or Hollywood it may be. That too much to ask?

But - I shouldn't hope for that. I shouldn't count on it or rely on it. I've known how easily these conversations take you by surprise and just happen - unnbidden, unexpected, but by no means unwelcome. And it's kind of that that I am counting on - just the one day my life and world turn upside down - if only for a little while - when that bliss, that rush of endorphins, that heady feeling that comes with meeting and knowing someone new - whether it develops into friendship, love or more - hits you. I'm probably the most optimistic pessimist ever because I believe in the little things that makes life good... despite the lows of life, there will always be a good thing to balance it, maybe not for everyone, maybe not all the time - but there should always be the good things. The little perks in life, those that pick you up, the things that make you smile - the unexpected compliments that make you blush, those people you know or see that make that corner of your mouth twitch into a smile. Far too often we're reminded that bad things happen to good people... and the bad things never seem to happen to the bad people while they're running roughshod over those those good people but still - I have to believe that karma, or whatever similar doctrine you subscribe to, balances out and those bad people get what they truly and utterly deserve while the good people get some hope, some sliver or light or at least - peace, even if it is of the eternal variety. (Of course that then goes on to depend on your faith, and belief of an afterlife or some degree or Paradise or Heaven. Which is a whole other topic, and one which I may tackle another day - my own believe system has become odd and skewed and distorted in recent years that - to be honest - I'm not sure where it stands any more.)

So - that as they say - is that - another day gone and past and another topic tackled. But I'm still not sure what to make of this one - it may give people a bit more of an insight into why I normally stay on the outskirts, or why I sometimes excuse myself when the groups get too big or too loud or too crowded.

Until tomorrow readers.


(As for the title... reading back over the first few paragraphs - I just realised how much this entry reminds me of the song Blue and Yellow by the Used.
#Shoulda done something, but I've done it enough - by the way my hands were shakin', rather waste some time with you...)