Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Blue and yellow...

Day five sees me struggling a bit - though supposedly if you do something for ten days in a row it becomes habit - so five days more after today and I should be good to go with it. I'm amazed I got this far to be honest...

Yesterday I mentioned those chance encounters and conversations - those that can lead to dizzying highes and that incredible feeling you get when you get to know someone - properly, anew. The 4am chats, finding out all there is to know about them, lost in this little world of the two of you. I've had possibly one feeling kind of like that recently, but it's been a couple of years since I've properly had that feeling. And I miss it to be honest.

It's been a good few years since I've actually got to talking to someone propelry - struck up a conversation with a stranger - I'm looking for an excuse to do it with a couple of people from work that I keep noticing around, but never have the courage to just take that plunge and do it. It comes back to issues with self confidence and such I suppose but still.
I envy the extroverts - those souls that can seemingly drop into conversation with everyone and anyone - without fear or reprisal or rebuttal - and instantly be a part of the circle, be a part of the flow and ebb of a group dynamic. I've always struggled with that, am always on the outskirts, lurking in the background waiting for moments to pop in and say something meaningful, point the conversation in a new direction or add something profound to the subject or... more often than not lately - include some kind of innuendo. Okay - I'm hardly perfect. Meaningful and profound don't tend to cross my mind very often - or if they do they're few and far between.
But... in a way I'm okay with it, I'm okay with being the 'wallflower', as it were. Ish.

I have all kinds of romantic notions about being noticed in one of these conversations, noticed and have the whirlwind relationship develop. Despite how fairytale, or storybook or Hollywood it may be. That too much to ask?

But - I shouldn't hope for that. I shouldn't count on it or rely on it. I've known how easily these conversations take you by surprise and just happen - unnbidden, unexpected, but by no means unwelcome. And it's kind of that that I am counting on - just the one day my life and world turn upside down - if only for a little while - when that bliss, that rush of endorphins, that heady feeling that comes with meeting and knowing someone new - whether it develops into friendship, love or more - hits you. I'm probably the most optimistic pessimist ever because I believe in the little things that makes life good... despite the lows of life, there will always be a good thing to balance it, maybe not for everyone, maybe not all the time - but there should always be the good things. The little perks in life, those that pick you up, the things that make you smile - the unexpected compliments that make you blush, those people you know or see that make that corner of your mouth twitch into a smile. Far too often we're reminded that bad things happen to good people... and the bad things never seem to happen to the bad people while they're running roughshod over those those good people but still - I have to believe that karma, or whatever similar doctrine you subscribe to, balances out and those bad people get what they truly and utterly deserve while the good people get some hope, some sliver or light or at least - peace, even if it is of the eternal variety. (Of course that then goes on to depend on your faith, and belief of an afterlife or some degree or Paradise or Heaven. Which is a whole other topic, and one which I may tackle another day - my own believe system has become odd and skewed and distorted in recent years that - to be honest - I'm not sure where it stands any more.)

So - that as they say - is that - another day gone and past and another topic tackled. But I'm still not sure what to make of this one - it may give people a bit more of an insight into why I normally stay on the outskirts, or why I sometimes excuse myself when the groups get too big or too loud or too crowded.

Until tomorrow readers.

(As for the title... reading back over the first few paragraphs - I just realised how much this entry reminds me of the song Blue and Yellow by the Used.
#Shoulda done something, but I've done it enough - by the way my hands were shakin', rather waste some time with you...)

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